and how do I make amends for all that I took from you?

I'm in a... just a bad mood. I don't even want to... I suppose the whole thing is just pointless. God, I hate feeling stupid. It's ridiculous. I'm not... There's got to be something I can... How do I even start to... If I could just explain it to him...

I think I should just take out a permanent lease here in this study room. Maybe move in some of my furniture. It's the only place I feel even remotely productive lately. Not that I've made any amazing progress yet, but at least I understand things here. At least alchemy still makes sense. Laws. Rules. Equivalent exchange. Diagrams and formulas. Even if it is dealing with the gate, obliquely. Well, back to research. I may as well just crash here tonight...

My head hurts like hell. I don't think it's going away either. It's been hurting like crazy for a couple of days now. Meh. Maybe I ought to go to the infirmary. But it's a headache. That's just something I need to get over. Maybe it's time to quit the library for a bit and call it a night. Some sleep might do me some good. Damnit, my room's a mess though. I should've cleaned up my notes and books earlier. Oh well. I'll just pile it on the floor and sort it out when I can see straight again.

Never thought I'd say it, but I think I might've overdone it on the alchemy. Heh. Well, I'll recover. Too bad I haven't made any actual progress yet on the theories I'm working on. Well... I will. That's all there is to it. No other option.

Hey Alfons? I... are you..? Ah... nevermind.

Well... I think I might have really screwed up that test. My brain isn't working so well lately. Damnit all I need now is to get stupid. Then where will I be in life? It was pretty simple physics too. I'd say it wasn't exactly rocket science, but it kind of was. Even so there's no way I should have had that much trouble with the concepts on this test. Feh. I'm going back to the library to keep going on my alchemy research. At least I'm still good at that. For now.

( private; hackable )

Well, I guess the upside of not sleeping is I have a lot of extra time to get work done. I've managed to finish all my homework so I can dedicate the rest of the weekend to my own projects. At least the library has a good reference section for alchemy. I really need to concentrate; I've been really, er, distracted lately.

Hey Al? How're the kittens?

( private; hackable )

Damnit not again. It's getting better worse now too. ...I'm not going back to sleep now either. Bah. I hate getting up early too.

Guess I'll just go take a cold shower and get ready for classes. It feels like it's going to be a long day.

All right. At some point in time I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take that trip back home. The arm and the leg are just not going to cut it for that much longer. Heh. You'd think after all these years I'd be used to them, but well, I am. And it's about time to see Winry and the old lady again even if my head will regret the pain it'll go through I'm not going alone though. Oh hell no. Nope, I'm bringing reinforcements. Hear that Al? You're coming. Alfons, you too. No excuses about not feeling well enough after all. Haha. Besides, after all the stories and stuff, I want to show you my home for real.

It's gotten pretty damn cold out. I'm not all that happy about it. I think I prefer warmer weather, but eh, snow's not all that bad. Remember when we were kids, Al? The huge snowball fights we used to have? I don't think I ever won, looking back. Damnit. Heh. Now I'm sounding all nostalgic, aren't I?

Meanwhile, I'm going to put some time in at the library for a few hours. There's still something I have to finish...

( private; hackable )

Again... it happened again... that place...

It won't let me sleep.

That... a dream. Only a dream. It was just a dream...

The Gate... Why would I dream about that place?

That was just weird... I hope I'm not losing my mind. That'd be inconvenient.

Hahaha... it must've just been a dream. I must not have been entirely awake.

...right?

Hey Alfons... sorry about the other night. I didn't expect it to follow me.

At least last night was quiet. I missed sleeping.

DAMNIT.

Ok I have had enough of this bullshit. Someone is screwing with me and I'm not pleased at all.

Ugh. What the hell... I can't believe I completely dozed off during class. Alfons, sorry about that. Hope I didn't snore. ...do you think I could look at your notes later?

I'm not usually this much of sloth. I just couldn't sleep last night. Someone was stomping around my quad at all hours. Everytime I came close to falling asleep. Damnit, when I figure out who's marching around, I'll transmute their feet right into the ground. Alchemy solves all sorts of problems.

I'm so tired... is it nap time yet?

Alfons should be coming home soon. I still can't believe how difficult you went and made that, Alfons. But mostly I'm just glad you aren't going to do something stupid like die. Jeez you're an asshole sometimes, hahaha. I'm kidding. Really. I'm just happy. and I wonder... hmm.

Classes have been interesting enough; it's nice being able to select what kind of courses to take. It's not at all like school used to be. Hahaha, remember how many times we got in trouble for studying alchemy in class instead of arithmetic, Al? Or sleeping. Hahaha.

You know, things are pretty good. It's kind of hard to complain right now. Not that I'm looking to complain or anything.

Eventually, I should take a trip back... home. There are a few loose ends I should deal with. Al, you should come. Alfons, you too, if you're feeling up to it. Eventually. Maybe before the holidays. Or after. That's helpful, I know.

Damnit. Damnit damnit damnit. This isn't good. He can't... he just can't die. That would... I...

Damnit. This isn't good at all. He's so pale. And barely coherent... the fever. And the blood, I... Damnit, Alfons. I'm not going to just let you leave me.

I think we need a doctor. Now.

This whole thing was all really too familiar. I mean, that was eerily similar to what I lived for the better part of 3 years. I LIVED IT. Faces that were familiar and belonged to people who weren't... the same as I remembered them. Hughes, Gracia. Even Alfons... others... but they were different people. Their own people. Heh. I guess maybe I got used to it during that time. It was surreal, like living in some sort of weird dream that didn't end. But that's not right either. It was real, wasn't it. I know that now. I knew that then. But the point is, I kind of understand what happened here, in an odd way. It couldn't have had anything to do with the gate, could it?

Anyway, I'm glad whatever happened didn't affect any of my family or Alfons this time. We were lucky, I suppose.

[Ed is pacing, moving stiffly. He looks more than slightly battered and bruised from their excursion after the key yesterday, but above and beyond all that he looks unsettled. Preoccupied. He's worried, about the campus as a whole. But in the more immediate sense, he's worried about his family, about Alfons and his recovery. About Al afer yesterday. The blonde boy sighs and glances down at the journal in his hand.]

This is getting ridiculous. Things are just getting worse. Where is all this coming from and why? No one seems to want to answer any of this. At least we... at least this place seems to be safe for the time being. I should go out later, see what I can do to help. There's got to be something. I hate just standing still.

[His fingers tighten about the pages, crinkling the paper, creasing and folding the pages just slightly before he relaxes his grip again.]

Hey Al, you ok after everything? And Alfons how are you holding up? Mom? Dad?

The music hall? It's probably a better idea if people aren't left alone or in small groups at this point in time. So the real issue will be getting Alfons there. I'm worried about moving him all that much. But with Al and I we should be able to manage it, and keep those things at bay.

Alfons, you feeling up to moving? I'm sure we can get you there without any trouble. If you're not I can probably transmute a stretcher. Hmm. Either way, looks like we have to move. And I'm not leaving you here. So you'd better feel up to moving one way or another. I'm worried about you, you know.

Al, Mom, Dad, grab some things and let's get ready to go?

Splicers. Fine these things have a name now. What do we do about it? What a mess. I don't like any of it. And I don't like the look of the sky. It's eerie somehow. Like a warning. And Alfons has already gotten hurt by these things. They're still out there.

Alfons. Last I checked he was lying on the couch. Damnit, he'd better be resting. Like it wasn't bad enough that he was already sick, now this. Damnit, Alfons. Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in? I know it wasn't your fault but that's beside the point!

Dad, I get the idea of all of us in one place, and your quad is fine and all. But I don't like just sitting around. I don't like it at all. I feel like we're waiting for something I don't want to wait for.

Damnit.

Alfons, you idiot. You had better stay put and still be breathing when I get there. Do you hear me?

Stay put.

I'm coming.

I can't believe... hahaha. Alfons you have to meet my little brother. He's a bit younger than I remember him, but it's definitely Al.

Ha. It's like a family reunion.

( Private; Hackable )